It was exactly two years and one hour ago....

It was exactly two years and one hour ago ..... 730 days ago........17,521 hours ago.... that I kissed my dear friend on the forehead and told her that I loved her... and even in her coma state- she moved her head toward me- she heard me- I know she did. I told her that I'd see her soon....and walked slowly down the hallway, out the door and to my car. I sat there momentarily to gather myself- and as I drove away- I knew that I would never see her again...... At least not in the flesh.....

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I drive past the care center where she passed almost every day. Somedays I'm so absorbed in the now- that I don't always give it a thought. But from mid January to mid February- it's positively painful.

I wonder what my fabulous, vibrant, zany-crazy friend would be up to- if she weren't gone. What knitting or volunteer project would she be up to???? What photo or crafting project would she be trying to rope me in to????

I miss Nan so much- but particulary this fiscal month- I would have been celebrating her birthday, both kids' birthdays, Super Bowl, and Valentine's day.... but they all culminate on today, and tomorrow....

I met Nan durring an early childbirth Ed. class when we were pregnant with Onika. I can scarcely believe- that was almost 10 years ago! It was an instant connection- we just loved being around each other. We hired her to be our doula- and she was our childbirth educator. We formed a fast and lasting bond- she was in the delivery room when both kids were born. Our families shared holidays, birthdays and religeous milesones for our children (baptisms & Bar Mitzvahs). Mostly it was phone calls to cheer each other on and our favorite- a cup of tea.
At her 45th birthday tea- she had just discovered a lump- but told none of us.....

You'd never know it in this photo- at her son's Bar Mitavah--but she had found out just the day or two before- that the lump she had found- was in fact cancer..... she lived life with such gusto- that as we were setting up for this event- she told me so matter of factly- that I couldn't even fathom... but that's just the kind of girl she was- unstoppable!

The next couple of years brought much treatment- and hope- but then it began to grow- and spread- with a vengance- and it was like the chemo and radiation- was like fertilizer- it was growing and spreading- and they couldn't stop it. She phoned me the night before she and her entire family met with the enoclogist to decide whether or not to cease treatment. She asked me what I thought... .... I first asked her what she thought.... "are you able and willing to still fight? If so- you know I stand beside you- and will help you fight..... but if you are tired- and done- then I give you permission to stop...you are my friend- and I will love and support whatever YOU decide...."

The doctors told her they had done what they could- and so- we waited.... a couple of weeks later- she called me and asked me to come and cut her hair again- it would be the last time... I asked if she wanted me to shave it off again- and she said "no- I want to still have some hair...." and the pause in her voice- let me know- that she wanted some hair when she went..... it was a tough job as she kept passing in and out of conciousness on me... so I did the best I could to clean it up and make the semblance of a "cut".

I had come to visit not long after that- and she was sitting up- I was thrilled! She patted the bed, motioning me to come and sit beside her- and as I did- she fell into my arms... and she smiled and whispered- "you always smell so good!" and we laughed.... these were the kind of giggles and moments we shared..... right up until that night- 730 days ago- we were true friends- 'til the end.